How to stop the self pity cycle
“There are a 100 ways to overcome an obstacle and 1 sure way not to – Self Pity”.
– Dale Daute
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where things are not going great for you and life sucks a little because you didn’t pass an exam or get in to the university you wanted to go to or you got rejected for a job you applied for or some other type of set back?Next thing you know you & the people around you are pitying your current lack of Study or Career progression…..
You may have heard the words …. Poor you so you didn’t pass that exam or get that job or promotion I feel sorry for you !!!
Self Pity is a response to stressful events and when others offer you pity is it helping you achieve #Studygreatness or #Careergreatness ?
In the journal of personality vol 71 issue 2, 2003
Joachim Stober explored self pity exploring the links to personality, control beliefs & anger.
Here were some key findings amongst the other things that was discovered in this study
* Self Pity was primarily related to anger deep inside oneself.
* It showed individuals high in self pity to see themselves as controlled by both chance & powerful ones.
* Women report more self pity reactions to stress than men
When a person indulges you in your own pity party or gives you that look of “ poor you”
How does that helped you?
Let’s get honest for a minute ….
Yes perhaps for a moment that acknowledgement of you having a shit time feels nice & you feel you have permission to start your pity party.
Perhaps this person means well by offering you a shoulder to cry on.
Perhaps by sharing or behaving in a manner that gets you this sympathy allows you to feel justified that you have no control.
When you have experienced a setback in your studies or career Have you ever looked for pity?
What did you achieve by doing this?
More often self pity places you in victim mode and when you are in the headspace of a victim it will not serve you. Self Pity gives you an excuse not to apply yourself and try.
This is different from being clinically diagnosed with a mental health issue where you are unable to apply yourself. Self Pity takes the choice to try, out of your hands.
It’s like saying I never got that dream job when you didn’t even apply for it!
What’s the answer?
Instead of finding people who will let you get stuck in your self pity party
Come speak to one of our Career Lifestyle Specialists who will show you ways to break this habit and help you achieve your goals.
Maybe you are that someone who is offering sympathy and pity in larger quantities because you believe that’s the right thing to do.
Maybe you want people to see you as a good person so you dish out pity like fizzy chewy cola bottles.
Maybe you never got any so now you feel you need to compensate.
Giving someone else your pity says more about your values and lack of emotional intelligence than it does about the other person.
Next time you feel the need to pity someone ask yourself Why am I doing this?
Following a family function recently a family member shared with me how he felt sorry for another family member and it got me thinking who is benefiting from this pity?
Here’s what I found myself reflecting on…
Pitying people actually does a disservice to that individual because you belittle them without actually empowering them to become better and stronger.
Feeling sorry for someone comes from a position of ”I’m ok, you’re not ok“
The power dynamic being played out is I’m better than you
Let’s be clear empathy which is your ability to understand and share the feelings of another
Is very different from saying you feel sorry for someone!
When I asked the family member why are you pitying this person he went on to highlight “Well Im not going to tell the person I feel sorry for them I just think it”. What’s the problem?
Here’s the problem. What you think You manifest.
The fact that you are thinking it will inevitably appear in your actions. It starts with a thought and when you pity someone you end up treating the person less than…
Essentially you are de-valuing this person you feel sorry for.
So the next time you decide to start a pity party for someone by saying words like “It’s such a pity you didn’t pass your exams or get that job“ remember
1. No one who has a healthy set of values will appreciate your pity.
2. Replace pity with the following
Empathy + Empowerment
This helps you focus on practical ways to empower yourself and the individual which will result in benefits for both parties.
3. When you shift from handing out pity and replace it with the Support Formula you give hope. If you truly care for this person then isn’t that a better way to support them?
You give them hope for a brighter future which invigorates both parties to inspire to do things differently to achieve the results they desire.
The world needs people who want to inspire greatness not pity… If you can’t provide this move out of the way and let those who have the Skills and the Support Formula to assist.
Have you ever pitted anyone? What happened when you did?
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